Ladies and gentleman, welcome to a new episode of Formula 1 Radio.
This time we’re in Sochi, Russia, and believe us when we say that everything has been made to keep Kimi Raikkonen and vodka as far away as possible from one another.
But we have 20 drivers, our job was very difficult.
Let’s see what happened, shall we?
Lewis Hamilton is one of the healthiest drivers on the grid: he is now vegan, he trains all by himself, he cares for the planet, he even gave up his private jet, but the last races have been a nightmare to him.
The 5 time world champion was already used to complain about everything.
Lewis Hamilton - “The brakes aren’t working probably.” (FP1)
Lewis Hamilton - “It smells so bad out here on track.” (FP2)
Lewis, are you sure that’s not your fault? You know what happens when you eat all that broccoli!
Lewis Hamilton - “And how far we down from the rest?”
“To Leclerc P1, 9 tenths at the moment.” (FP1)
No Lewis, it’s not vodka’s fault, it’s all real.
He still can’t believe he asked it!
He missed so much the winning feeling that he welcomed his P2 placement in Qualifying like a world title!
Lewis Hamilton - “Ah, get in there, man, that’s awesome!” (Q3)
Yes, Lewis, that’s how Valtteri feels all the time.
And then, Bono came back with his favorite team radio at the end of the race:
“Get in there, Lewis! What a race! That’s the race win and fastest lap. P1 , P2 for the silver arrows!”
Lewis Hamilton - “What an effort guys! What an incredible job! Thank you so much everyone! That’s exactly what we needed! We never give up! Come on! They don’t wanna know this! Come on! Whoooo!” (Checkered flag)
.. and they lived happily ever after (but not Ferrari, no, they didn’t).
Kimi Raikkonen - “It’s very bumpy, coming in our box, there is something bumpy in the pit lane. You can see it visibly.”
“Okay, and how much lower is this pit boarder?”
Kimi Raikkonen - “Ehm… 2 centimeters. You should check it.”
“Yeah, I know.”
Kimi Raikkonen - “You should check for the pit stop practice.” (FP1)
If Kimi Raikkonen had very few things to complain about (what a shame), FP2 has been full of angry drivers.
Pierre Gasly - “Well that was really stupid. He almost smashed the front wing.”
Daniil Kvyat - “Sorry, I didn’t see him.” (FP2)
This two little bulls really love each other deeply.
Pierre Gasly - “F**k the guy, I have 10 seconds gap ahead of him and he still breaks the balls.”
Pierre, please, you need to calm down.
Charles Leclerc - “F**k Force India, they’re always in the DRS in the Free Practice!” (FP2)
We don’t know which Force India Charles was talking about, but some people are meant to be together in the same team, isn’t it true, Kevin and Romain?
The confirmed pair had quite some moments in Russia, especially Romain.
Romain Grosjean - “I’m very surprised by how much we’re struggling.” (Q1)
And we are every time you say something on the radio, Romain.
“Would you like a balance adjust?”
Romain Grosjean - “I don’t know what to do man, I don’t know what to do.” (Q2)
Looks like someone needs a refresher course. Dear Formula 1, I beg you to introduce one, please.
Romain Grosjean - “Pit exit, tell me what we did wrong.”
“Start feedback, the clutch was too far.”
Romain Grosjean - “Okay, get me the clutch thing as soon as we can, I really struggle with the start.” (Pre- race)
And then, obviously..
“Are you OK? Are you OK?”
Romain Grosjean - “Yeah, someone **** crashed into me. We do all of this for the weekend just to get **** crashed.”
“I know mate I know.”
Romain Grosjean - “*******” (Race)
Poor, sweet Antonio.
Antonio Giovinazzi - “I was like sandwich for two cars!” (Race)
Is anyone hungry?
“Dani behind, timed lap.”
Max Verstappen - “Yeah yeah, yeah. Tyres are too cold.”
“Sorry Max, repeat.”
Max Verstappen - “Tyres are not ready to start the lap because I’m driving so slow.” (FP3)
Radio check, bulls?
Max had some fun during FP1 too.
“Okay Vettel is approaching you side by side, just hold 7th (gear) down to turn 2. And Vettel behind so let him through.”
Max Verstappen - “Hey, ahah, we don’t even make it to seventh gear on the limitor.” (FP1)
Max, are you laughing about your engine? Because I know someone who can laugh along (and his name is Fernando).
“Max we’re losing an abnormal amount of time in turn 13, anything we can have we have. Let us know of problems.”
Max Verstappen - “I don’t know. From where you’re comparing?”
“From Lewis.” (Race)
I’m 99% sure Max laughed again.
Lando Norris, our favorite joker, had some issues too.
“And don’t press recharge.”
Lando Norris - “Already pressed it, my bad.” (FP2)
Lando Norris - “What lap time did I just do? I think the one on my dash is wrong.”
“You a 1.35.77 and Albon has pitted.”
Lando Norris - “My dash 39.2 for some reasons.” (FP3)
Nico Hulkenberg had some misunderstandings too.
Nico Hulkenberg - “What did you do to the aero balance?”
“We made no change, Nico.”
Nico Hulkenberg - “…”
“Please repeat Nico.”
Nico Hulkenberg - “I’m struggling on these tyres now.” (Race)
And we thought Kimi was the only one to worry about!
What about our Hit Parade?
Third place for our Papaya drivers: McLaren is back after some lows, and our favorite pair of drivers celebrated in their own style after the checkered flag.
“Yes Carlos, chequered flag. Get in! P6. P6 baby!”
Carlos Sainz - “Good job guys. Solid. Very solid.”
“Yeah, good job, Carlos! Well done! How does that song go?”
Carlos Sainz - “I don’t know, it was smooth operator! But you know what came to my mind? Go go squeeze!”
“What ? hahahah.” (Checkered flag)
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“And Lando your radio timed out towards the end. I think you said were looking forward to sushi in Japan, right?”
Lando Norris - “IIIII. Ermm. Well I mean if you want me to ...to be ill. Terminally! Terminally ill! Then then sushi it is.” (Checkered flag)
Is anyone else in for a sushi?
Second place for the Saga that is trying to beat the Rosberg - Hamilton one.
Every newspaper is writing every kind of theory, from Vettel’s retirement, to their hate relationship.
Here what happened, here’s every team radio.
Charles Leclerc collected another Pole Position on Saturday and started first on Sunday.
Charles Leclerc - “F**k! I completely f**ked the last sector.”
“We’ve seen that, mode charge and you have P1, Sebastian P2.”
Charles Leclerc - “Ah, yeah, thank you very much.” (Q3)
Sebastian Vettel started P3, but soon took the lead of the race.
“We are looking into the swap further into the race.”
Charles Leclerc - “Yeah yeah no problems. This I understand.” (Race)
But we don’t! The fact that Charles took Pole doesn’t mean he had to stay 1st forever!
To Charles Leclerc - “And Sebastian will let you by next lap.” (Race)
Sebastian Vettel - “I would have got him anyways, but let’s break away for another two laps. Let me know.” (Race)
“And let Charles by.”
Sebastian Vettel - “Well, tell him to close up.” (Race)
Seb didn’t miss the chance to remind his team who they were talking to.
Charles Leclerc - “You put me behind, I respected everything... We'll speak later, but now it’s difficult to close the gap, obviously.” (Race)
To Sebastian Vettel - “He's trying to close the gap, let him by, he's 1.4 behind.” (Race)
But it didn’t go as planned.
“Charles, we will do the swap a bit later on, Lewis is a bit close, and we want to push now, we will do it later, just focus on your race, thank you.”
Charles Leclerc - “I completely understand, the only thing is that I respected, I gave you the slipstream no problems, but then I tried to push at the beginning of the race, but I overheated the tyres. Anyway, it's no problems... manage the situation.” (Race)
Sebastian Vettel - “My rears are falling off now.” (Race)
To Sebastian Vettel - “We worry about Hamilton going long, Hamilton laptime 38.8.” (Race)
Sebastian Vettel - “I’ve got no K.”
“Stop the car.”
Sebastian Vettel - “Are you serious? Bring back those f**king V12s.” (Race)
Haters will say conspiracy!
Lewis Hamilton - “So Ferrari has got behind us.” (Race)
Charles Leclerc - “Give me everything you have, if there’s anything more.” (Race)
And everything wasn’t enough: as everyone said, Sebastian intentionally sabotaged Charles race.
But, it the MGU-K fail didn’t happen, it wasn’t Ferrari the real one sabotaging their drivers?
LET THEM RACE!
You are not fighting for the championship, let drivers conquer their place on track, not on radio!
And the winner is, the one and only George Russell.
George Russell - “Guys have we not learned from last week?” (Q1)
Whoever you were referring to, Williams, Ferrari, Mercedes, you are absolutely right.
And obviously, Ferrari was in the race to win our Special Prize: Honestly, what are we doing here?, but someone did. even. better.
I’ll just say his name.
“So you’ll be P9, P9, Kevin. So you lost one position because of the penalty. You finished P9 because of your laps at the end. You pulled it out and beat Hulkenberg by a second. Fantastic. Way to hold on.”
Guenther Steiner - “Guys , this is Gunther. Thank you very much. If we wouldn’t have had a stupid, idiotic steward, we would be 8th. Thanks, a great job guys, fantastic. Thanks Kevin, great job in driving, thank you.”
Kevin Magnussen -“Yeah, thanks buddy. What a load of *****” (Checkered flag)
He called it a 'sausage penalty' on his own Twitter feed— Formula 1 (@F1) September 30, 2019
And @KevinMagnussen's boss, Guenther Steiner, wasn't too happy about it costing the team a P8 finish in Sochi 😬#RussianGP 🇷🇺 #F1 pic.twitter.com/g1PVg7cE1g
This is like the most romantic things we’ve ever published on Formula 1 radio, Shakespeare level.
Guenther, you already are my hero for life, you don't need to do this kind of stuff.
But keep doing that, please.
I can’t wait to know what it is going to happen.
So, see you in Suzuka? Lando is organizing a sushi dinner, be sure to be there!